on regret

When your life is tainted by a first regret, happiness becomes a choice too farfetched, too removed from your non-existent state of muddling along.

The remorse, the love, the pain, leave you trembling and struggling to barely stand. You understood that you have been strong for so long, you were just pretending, like a bad extra in a soap series. You have no courage. You didn't know how to love. And maybe that is why you have to lose so much. And you understood. That the last time you were really happy was in January. That you have spent the year too late. You have to lose everything, and asphyxia is the only gift.