on regret

When your life is tainted by a first regret, happiness becomes a choice too farfetched, too removed from your non-existent state of muddling along.

The remorse, the love, the pain, leave you trembling and struggling to barely stand. You understood that you have been strong for so long, you were just pretending, like a bad extra in a soap series. You have no courage. You didn't know how to love. And maybe that is why you have to lose so much. And you understood. That the last time you were really happy was in January. That you have spent the year too late. You have to lose everything, and asphyxia is the only gift.

on implosion and alienation

"They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty
Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst

So the sidewalk is crowded, the city goes by
And I rush through another day
And a world full of strangers turn their eyes to me
But I just look the other way"


Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst

on a slow painful death over the last 18 months

"GEMINI, from August 31, 2012 to February 18, 2014, your karmic choices lie along the axis of work and duty. This will bring a great relief, for the last 18 months have been one of the hardest of your life in spiritual and emotional terms. You’ve felt truly dumped upon – but if you reached the point of realizing that “destiny’s blows” (or alienation and a bit of loneliness) were self-induced, you learned the intended lesson – now you will be “freed” or emotionally buoyant for a whole 17 years ahead. However, karma has to operate somewhere, and now to early 2014 it will tend to “block” you in governmental and/or institutional contacts, administrative tasks, management, delegation of authority, charity, spiritualism, psychic matters, meditation, yoga, warehousing, retreat, spas, and manufacturing assembly lines. To succeed, to create a smooth, productive path for yourself, move instead toward a hands-on approach. Do the job yourself. Use your hands and fingers. Learn to play an instrument. Write. Seek employment. Be practical, pragmatic. Take preventative health steps rather than recuperative ones. (E.g., eat right, rather than seeking a hospital bed.) Avoid drugs. A Scorpio might have great advice for you."

on implosion

彻底的疲惫

on relationships

People hedge. For human beings are innately self-serving. She has to stop getting involved with people who hedge.

But people hedge.

on the irony in situations

"you guys are looking good! you look so happy!"
(yea, the point is "look".)


"she looks so much like you. maybe a cuter version."
(so? how is that meaningful for me?)

on the love of your life

he lost his guiding light
she lost her guardian angel


life goes on?