on passing through

we died before we live
we live before we die

in between?
we wonder


and wonder is beautifully tragic

"你对心爱的人说过最窝心的话是什么？＂

＂保重。＂

on feeling shortchanged

You wonder if it's your flawed character acting up, or maybe your role in it was really to warm the seat and prepare the way for another person, while not getting to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Life arranges itself, right? A woman's loyalty is tested when the man has nothing; a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. Maybe the point is to not expect man's loyalty to stand the test of time. Maybe the point is to not expect anything at all- but that is a spiritual cultivation.

"What you spend years building, someone can destroy overnight. Build anyway."

I need to heal.

＂因为妈妈会伤心。＂


对不起 对不起 对不起

on sense of reality

this year simply feels too unreal. surreal. abstract. blindsided.


i drift.

on being cursed

"You are cursed. You seem cold to many people, yet inside you is a big heart that cares deeply for the people you love. You are cursed. Like me, like us. You will get left behind."

These words still haunt two years on, as they are proven to be true. Please keep going because I never plan on you dying on me.

"You will get left behind."

on muddling along

"One day when you're ready to go, I'll be dead. Then we'd have missed the boat."

That was exactly what happened this year. I was ready; he had left. Yes you will die one day. I do not plan on it happening. Yet that one day will come. I stare out the window at the sea, and know that you are right. But I can't find the hunger that you asked about. I will never learn. This is where you are right again. Sometimes I'm 60, sometimes I'm 6.

"My greatest worry for you is that you will become detached. Then you will sell paintbrushes in a little shop and let your life, and the world, go by."

In the midst of those abstract dreams, stark images and being jolted from disturbing sleep, detachment is my final soma.


"Sit. Stay. Heal."?
I want to leave. Please.